I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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