i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
