Are we in a gay sports bar?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
