My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
