my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
