So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
