dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
