hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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