there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
