We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
