A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
