i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
