throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
did i walk over a car last night?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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