The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
