Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Vodka?
Forever.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
