My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
