yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
