Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
