4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
