im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
