ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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