he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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