Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
