a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
