I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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