I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
