Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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