Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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