How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
