I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
