If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
