Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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