get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
