my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
