i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
