he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
