my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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