Your face is a jimmy john
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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