i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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