I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
