i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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