Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Found your dick twin last night
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
