Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
