my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
