i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
