Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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