if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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