i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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