Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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