Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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