He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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