he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
